The Space Between: How to Reframe & Reclaim Your Peace
How can I reframe my thoughts to feel better?
We often treat our thoughts like absolute truths, letting them dictate the weather of our internal world. But what if a thought is just a cloud passing through the sky of your consciousness?
In Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), we use a technique called reframing. It’s not about toxic positivity or pretending a difficult reality doesn’t exist. Instead, reframing is the art of looking at your life through a wider lens. It’s about finding equilibrium when negative thoughts threaten to derail your day (I’ve written before about the importance of minding the gap between our initial impulses and our conscious actions).
The secret isn’t just changing the thought; it’s changing your relationship to it. This is known as cognitive defusion.
Finding the Space: Cognitive Defusion
Most of the time, we are "fused" with our thoughts. If we think, "I am a failure," we feel we are failure. Defusion is the act of creating distance—recognizing that you are the witness of the thought, not the thought itself.
It is the difference between being caught in a hurricane and watching the storm from a window. When you create this safe space, you realize that having a thought is a choice, and you don’t have to let it infuse you to the point that you are fused with it.
The Workplace Mirror: Reframing Disrespect
Imagine you’re at work, and a colleague is resisting your direction. You feel a "weird vibe," a subtle sting of disrespect. Naturally, you’re upset.
Instead of letting insecurity rise and acting from that reactive place, take a step back. Name the feeling with contemplative self-honesty:
"I feel unheard and confused right now. This person seems unhappy with me and slightly rude, and I don’t know why."
By naming the emotion, you stop being a "hurricane of pure feelings." You become an observer. This level of honesty with yourself allows you to respond with intention rather than reacting out of a wounded ego.
The Romantic Trigger: Healing the Body’s Memory
You’re out with someone you’re attracted to. They mention another person, and instantly, your body tenses. You want to control the reaction, but the physiological "hit" is already there.
This is often a ghost from the past—perhaps a memory of a previous partner who blatantly flirted with others in front of you shamelessly. That old wound surfaces through the body tensing. In this moment, you have two choices:
- React: Confront the person (which may be unjustified since its a new person, and you may not be in a calm space).
- Reframe: Analytically think through why you are feeling this emotion.
Sometimes a wallop of self-compassion is what we need most in that moment. Dialogue with yourself: "That last person played with my heart. This person might just be having a normal conversation."
Give yourself the space to feel the emotion, connect the dots to why it's coming up, and instead of reacting, let it pass so you can come back to it in a non-reactionary way.
Blending the Paths: CBT and ACT
While Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) often focuses on challenging and changing the content of the thought, Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) focuses on defusing from the though and therefore changing how you interact with it.
By blending these techniques, you create a powerful toolkit to manage your reactions and your own experience of life. You learn to analyze the logic of your feelings (CBT) while simultaneously practicing the radical acceptance of your current emotional state (ACT), and in doing so, come to a place of emotional poise and safety within yourself.
The Practice: A Wallop of Self-Compassion
Place a hand on your chest where you feel the tension. Acknowledge the old wound that is surfacing. Tell yourself: "It makes sense that I feel this way because of what I’ve been through. But I am safe here, in this moment." Allow the "you" that is the witness to sit with the "you" that is hurting.
Soul Prompt: What negative thoughts are causing fear? (Can I change them?) What fear is underlying this emotion? (Can I embrace this and find my way back to safety?)
How do you create mental space from your own emotions?
Explore more from the Soul-Prompt library:Mind the Gap: Releasing ControlThe Art of TransmutationSelf-Compassion vs. Self-Esteem