Chemistry in Romantic Relationships, A Wild Unknown
The definition of chemistry is two energies coming together and creating a new energy. I often think of a laboratory with smoking potions coming out of clear glass bottles, but really it is the laboratory of our bodies, minds and hearts. The trick to a successful long-term relationship is when all three are aligned.
When it comes to love and attraction, no one can pinpoint it. Yes, it may be pheromones, yes it may be that person’s qualities that draw you in—their good looks, their charisma, the qualities that you admire which they say are what you want to develop within yourself (unconsciously or consciously). When the chemistry is powerful, it can be all of these things at once, but the question we always have to come back to is are we on the same page? After all, attraction and desiring to be in a relationship are two completely different things. We must ask questions like:
Do we want the same thing right now, in this particular moment in time? Do I even know them well enough to know that? Do you and this person have the same goals in relationship? Similar values? Are they ready to be in relationship? Am I?
There are so many what ifs and contingencies it can make your head spin and make you wonder how anyone finds each other! And these type of questions can stop you from hopping into the blazing fire.
In my personal world, chemistry is rare; it’s exciting, and if feels like a fire horse, burning and galloping in all its magnificent beauty. It's tempting, but just because it is rare doesn’t always mean it is something to rush into. We learn this once we have been burned enough by fire to reflect on how we ourselves enter relationships, how we are ourselves can abandon ourselves to passion. Many novels, poems and love songs are dedicated to this; such is life.
The only way to decipher what’s just physical or romantic vs truly an opportunity for love is the maturity to take it slow, to get to know someone with all their many facets—from flaws to endearing attributes and everything in between.
This can feel like slowing down a speeding train, but it can also solve for inevitable collateral damage. With experience we learn that really getting to know someone is the natural way of slowing down the train, to see if this train is going where you are going, and will you have fun on the journey? That gives both people the grace to be themselves—all the many sides of them—and reveal in a natural way what they want out of a relationship before jumping into a physical connection. It requires actually getting to know each other. We also must be brave enough to be vulnerable, to take a chance, to be real, and to be present.
I’m impressed with the various voices that are now on the podcast scene, but one that I really like is Jillian Turecki. In the interview below with Jay Shetty, she breaks down the many components that are a factor (which are so many)! Whether you are young or old, she’s worth a listen. As she said, we are all quirky and complex, and we all have to get curious about ourselves, about what we truly desire within a relationship. And be curious about the other!
At the end of the day, the most important relationship we have is the one with ourselves. We must always be working on this to then have a great relationship with others.
Soul-Prompt: When attracted to someone, can I pinpoint why? What qualities am I attracted to and why? Can I bypass the passion of coming together quickly in order to truly get to know a person?
