F...k Self-Esteem. Self-Compassion is Where It's At.
When I think about my own healing experience, self-compassion has been a game changer, a salve—the solution. There are so many people on social media talking about how to build your self-confidence, self-esteem and self-worth, but those states of being are outcomes. First, we need to look at the healing modalities that unlock them, and self-compassion for me, and others, is the master key.
In my own research I recently discovered a researcher and teacher named Dr. Kristin Neff. Here's her instagram. She calls herself a "self-compassion pioneer." She makes the insightful connection between our evolutionary reactions to threats such as fight, flight, or freeze (from encountering a saber tooth tiger) to how we beat ourselves up today when we make the smallest of mistakes. She explains that a mistake feels like a failure, which in turn feels like a threat to our survival. Say we screw up at work or insult someone by accident (or on purpose and later regret it)—whatever it is, it feels like a threat. Since there is no external tiger to fight, the fight turns inwards. We end up attacking the self.
It often shows up as negative self-talk: "I shouldn't have done that, I'm a failure, a horrible person, what an idiot I was, I'm a jerk, they are never going to talk to me again, they are going to fire me, they don't like me," the list goes on. Even writing these statements feels bad. Why berate ourselves if we have the choice not to? Instead we can say, "oh well, better luck next time, what a great lesson, I'm only human."
Dr. Neff draws forth another gem when she says, "...we attack the problem (in this case ourselves), to try to stay safe." This seems warped since attacking ourselves isn't going to help us stay safe, but our evolutionary impulses of fight, flight, freeze translate to modern-day shame, guilt, and depression. We beat ourselves up due to the "perceived" threat to our survival.
Self-compassion, including self-kindness, are powerful antidotes to such evolutionary impulses gone awry. We must remember we all make mistakes, we all screw up, we all fail, we are all human.
Also, how can we take accountability for our mistakes, which requires vulnerability with others, if we aren't vulnerable with ourselves first?
Self-compassion it where its at. F..k self esteem. Well, that's a little harsh. My point is that we don't need to focus so much on building up our self-esteem, which feels fake and forced in some way, and instead focus more on being kind to ourselves—the building block for true self-esteem.
Maybe we didn't receive that reassurance from our early care-givers in the amount we needed, or we perhaps we didn't see it modeled correctly; whatever the reason, we can choose to give it to ourselves now. Why not if it leads to better experiences, better reactions, more accountability, more kindness and dare I say...growth?
Soul-prompt: When do I beat myself up over something? How can I show myself more self compassion? What would I say to myself if I were a loving parent or friend talking to myself?
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