Mind the Gap: Releasing Control
So often we want to control a situation because we want it to go the way we'd prefer. That’s exactly when we need to take a step back and realize we have zero control over external events as well as other people. Control is an illusion. The only thing we can control is ourselves. Yet even that is somewhat of an illusion because our initial, internal reactions are very uncontrollable, wild and instinctual. Our consciously directed actions, on the other hand, have been transmuted to become the external reactions we offer others (hopefully).
As they say in the London Underground, mind the gap—the gap between these two states of initial reaction and actual action. We don’t always want to be showing our true reaction if it’s coming from such a subconscious, messy, tumultuous state.
At the same time, sometimes it’s good to show our messy side. Sometimes it's the best thing so others can understand us better. We must be mindful of walking the tightrope of our impulsive authenticity and our conscious impact on others. We often fall off this tightrope as we practice. In the circus of life, it's a job only for those who have mastered the balancing act—a liminal walk.
A desire to control can cause suffering. Why? Because at some point in our life we felt out of control—most likely in early childhood when are brains were developing—and that became a de facto way of being. What we really felt, however, was a feeling that we were somehow unsafe. That's where the ego steps in and says I'll protect you; I will aim to control things so you can feel safe.
When we let go of control we can step into flow–the complete acceptance that there is no real control except self-control, and even self-control has its pitfalls. When we make room for us to be in a flow state, we ironically feel more safe in the unknown, as we soon realize there is a benevolent universe trying to guide us. This realization let's us transform desperate attempts into observational gratitude.
As a therapist in training, I must choose a psychological approach with clients when I eventually practice. I’m leaning toward Acceptance and Commitment Therapy mainly because I know that we must accept our wild, spontaneous, underground, crazy feelings first before we can ever work on changing them, calming them, altering them. The only antidote is to pull back the curtain of shame and really look at them, with the lights on, and then show ourselves immense self-compassion as we feel into the truth of our experience. Only then can we hold our wounds, and realize that's all they are– mere wounds. While painful, they are not our identity. If we stuff them, however, they become a driving subconscious force.
Only the salve of honesty and self-compassion can heal our wounds and free us from our ego's attempts to protect us all the time.
If we are not brave enough to do this work, we’ll always be bouncing to either side of the gap, when all we really need to do is mind it.
Soul-Prompt: What feelings am I avoiding because I'm ashamed of them? How can I make time to fully accept those feelings and give myself radical self-compassion in the process?
